Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column on politics and governance.
What a year it has been in the world of politics.
If you enjoy reflecting on both the painful and the humorously painful aspects of democracy, this column is here for you. If not, perhaps watching videos of puppies online is a better use of your time right now?
As we approach the end of a year that feels like it has lasted two decades, we reflect on the United Nations designating 2024 as the “super year” for elections. This title seems fitting, especially when considering that 3.7 billion voters in 72 countries engaged in their democratic rights, supposedly enhancing democracy and good governance.
For those in Europe, this super season commenced with a sense of mystery. What on earth is a Spitzenkandidat? Should we really be aware of who Nicolas Schmit is? Fortunately, it turned out we didn’t need to know either, as Ursula von der Leyen, the current president of the European Commission (we checked, it’s her actual title), was confirmed for a second term.
Von der Leyen’s return to power coincided with a significant shift to the right in European politics, at times veering into far-right territory. She has allied with Giorgia Meloni, Italy’s right-wing prime minister. In June, the European Parliament welcomed newcomers like far-right influencer Alvise Pérez, YouTube star Fidias Panayiotou, and muzzle enthusiast Diana Șoșoacă. Quite the ensemble.
Amid all this attention on a prominent blonde figure, Emmanuel Macron had to make a spectacular move. After witnessing his party’s decline in the European Parliament elections, the French president opted for a snap parliamentary election, plunging France into a political crisis that remains unresolved. Now, no one seems to be discussing VDL!
Then came the British elections, squeezed in between two rounds of French voting. The U.K. decided that Keir Starmer, arguably the most mundane figure in politics, was the man to instigate change.
Finally, it was America’s turn. As we all know, Donny the Menace has returned with a vengeance. There are concerns in Europe that the incoming U.S. president may withdraw from NATO, instigate a trade war, and even cede parts of Ukraine to Vladimir Putin, the luckiest Russian alive. However, one thing we can all agree on is this: As he told some supporters before the election, we’ll never “have to vote again.”
