Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column that explores the quirks of politics.
Who thought this German federal election was a good idea anyway?
Christian Lindner probably did, but boy was he wrong in his assessment.
The former finance minister and leader of the fiscally conservative Free Democratic Party (FDP) should have been more … conservative in his strategy.
His miscalculation can only be compared to a few other incredibly ill-timed political choices — think of Matteo Salvini betraying then-Prime Minister Giuseppe Conte from an Italian beach, hoping to take the country to the polls, only to find that Conte had other allies in Parliament and could easily exclude him from the government while continuing as PM with another coalition.
In a similar tantrum, Lindner wanted out.
And in November, he got what he wanted.
Tired of months of speculation about a potential breakup, Scholz finally put the finance minister out of his misery: He let Lindner go. Reports suggesting that the FDP leader painted his face blue and shouted “freedom” while riding a horse to inspire party members were unconfirmed at the time of publication.
This led to another heated debate over the date of the election — Should it be in March, April, or maybe January? February it is — and, surprisingly, a chaotic campaign followed (at least by German standards).
But none of that seemed to matter for Lindy the prodigy. Surely, polls were wrong. They had been off in numerous elections around the world. No way his party was about to be decimated at the ballot box; he did this for freedom and to save his own party (let alone his own skin). The German people must reward him for his valor and sacrifice.
Except they didn’t.
The FDP fell under the five-percent threshold required to enter the Bundestag, crashing out of German politics in one spectacular moment.
What about the prodigy, then? As soon as the results became clear, Christian Lindner announced he would resign as party leader and retire from “active politics.” (This marks the first and biggest difference between Lindner’s and Salvini’s stories: The League’s leader still lives in denial and refuses to let go of his position.)
But who knows, maybe he’ll return to politics someday — after all, who doesn’t love a classic comeback story?
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Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which is far more valuable than cash or booze.
“Don’t worry guys, Donald has invited us for a BBQ later with his friends”
by Alessandro Dansi Agostini
